


my ghost, where'd you go?

by cassiecasyl



Series: The Prompt Jar [3]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Break Up, Canon Related, Canon Universe, Castiel is only mentioned, Dean Winchester Has Anger Issues, Dean Winchester Has Issues, Dean Winchester is Bad at Feelings, Dean Winchester-centric, Feelings, Feels, Hurt Dean Winchester, I'm Sorry, M/M, Post-Break Up, Prompt Fic, Sad, Song: Ghost (Halsey), angst? probably., like reallly, no resolve
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-22
Updated: 2020-06-22
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:33:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 923
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24862354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cassiecasyl/pseuds/cassiecasyl
Summary: Dean regrets breaking things off with Cas. But maybe, this was for the best.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Series: The Prompt Jar [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1789972
Comments: 4
Kudos: 10





	my ghost, where'd you go?

Cas was gone. 

The realization flooded in as he stood in the doorway of the empty bedroom, the air stale and unwelcoming, so heartbreakingly familiar to Dean. Last night’s words still echoed through the halls of his mind. They were sad and eerie, though anger palpable within the sharp words. 

Dean was still numb to their stabs. There was a melancholy he couldn’t quite explain, and it made him angry, like always. He hated that. Huffing, he turned his back, though unable to escape the loss. No. He deserved this. The pain, the grief, the numbness, everything. 

Dean had looked at Cas as if he were a mirror and he couldn’t stop yelling at himself. Expecting him to follow unmeasurable standards while the angel fell and gave up everything for him. He had closed his eyes in the wake of his downfall, denying that it was all on him. The angels had seen it long ago and had tried to warn them, but they had deflected their words, much like he ignored the truth in Castiel’s un-angelically tender eyes. He had blinded himself for fear of shattering the truth like a lousy lie. 

Now, he was gone. Maybe it was better this way. 

Still, the feeling stayed. It was like losing something that was still there, right in front of him but just out of reach. Something he had yet to fully realize he ever had. It was confusing. He knew that Cas was gone, but there hope was, murmuring of the angel coming back like he always did.  _ I always come when you call. _ It was a ringing in his ears, a possibility long gone, a promise broken for good. It was despair. 

Dean bite his tongue to halt it before calling out to the angel. He didn’t even know whether Cas would still hear him. With everything that happened, the powers angels, especially Cas, had at any given time were all kinds of messed up, but there was a longing that assured him of it. Dean couldn’t, wouldn’t, trust it. 

It was a sly emotion, missing someone. First, it slowly seeps in, drop by drop, one realization and the next malicious memory. Then, it came all at once, the loss, the truth that there was nothing that could be done to change this. It was an avalanche then, stealing his breath and burning in his eyes, and Dean would try everything to not let it bury him. Sometimes though, he wanted it to. 

He missed the angel being here with him, even when he was the one to seal the fate on their goodbye. In his effort to close his eyes, his disbelief in its integrity, he had shattered the truth, poisoned it and let it rot. He missed the angel’s sudden appearance, and the quiet ruffle of feathers that were the trumpets to his arrival. He missed his ever-present slight misunderstanding of personal space around him, he missed him being near. 

A sob was traded with his trademark anger. Dean cut himself off from yearning for the angel, at least desperately tried to, not because he wanted to dismiss it, but because he didn’t deserve it. It was okay. He’d thrown the blame around in expectancy of it being bounced back at him but instead it had hurt his friend in the process. Dean had ignored it, denied it as he was too deep within his own tornado of pain. 

Some nights, he dreamed of the easier times when Cas had just entered their lives. When the angel turned to help them instead of his flock. Their problems then seemed so tiny now compared to what they faced over the years. Dean hated himself for these thoughts. Sam had been addicted, turning away from him for some demon chick who’d promised him power and laid proof to her claims. Dean had been freshly out of hell, and Cas had been new, exciting, and scary. He was a new-found hope and familiar doom. 

And although those times had not been good, he wished for them to come back. They had been easier, not as pressuring. After all, their lives weren’t about the good times, they were about the lives they saved along the way. 

Now, Cas seemed a ghost of the might he once was, so shaped by life and anger that he was barely hold any resemblance anymore. It wasn’t what he’d deserved, and once upon a time Dean had begged him not to change, but with everything against them, he only rarely noticed the change his friend went under as he was right there in the mess with them and yet apart. 

Now, Cas was gone, said his goodbye and left alone. 

A part of Dean had wanted to call him back, to run after him and apologize for all the ways he let him down. But his pride locked his feet right where he was, and his anger huffed at the thought of forgiving the angel when really, the problem was that he couldn’t forgive himself. Castiel deserved better. Dean hoped he’d find it. 

The bunker felt emptier without his celestial, hopeful presence always trying to see the good in people, still holding on desperately to the reason he fell in love with humanity. He adored them because they loved as much as they hated, and they did beautiful things. They dreamed, and danced and created, and above all, never gave up. There is determination in human life, and Dean hoped Cas still found it, wherever he was. 


End file.
